Its life, i guess.

Rah!

2011-12-09T05:47:00.001+08:00

Never understood why people borrow money and take eons to return it.

Its so bloody fucking frustrating.

And they are running on ZERO automated response. Cannot be bloody bothered if they can or cannot return the sum.

WAH. *stabs self*

I hate the nonchalant way that they are when it comes to squaring the debt. I'm not having it any easier by being the collecter either.

"Sorry sorry, i forgot."
"Oh, i dun have it yet."
"Can pay by installment?"

What the heck you people take me for? A bloody bank?! I dun even charge any bloody interest!

"Sorry, i was busy."

Oh, so you busy then i not busy? I'm busy trying to make you fucking cough up the loan without making things feel "strained" in the friendship!?

That is it. I will N E V E R ever lend anybody money again.

No money? Dun buy or just hide under your blanket.

Truth

2011-03-27T16:34:00.001+08:00

To tell everyone that i am happy where i am now is just a blatant lie.

I'm not happy.

In fact, i no longer want to be just a staff. I want to be someone up there. I want to command my own team, my own bar.

I want to beat you, because you burned me.

Anger

2011-02-12T09:34:00.001+08:00

So fucking pissed off early in the morning.

Having mini black-outs, can feel my brain having spasms.

All the same.

2011-01-26T06:58:00.003+08:00

First it was 3rd September, now its 25th January.

I've had my heart broken so many times. I sound like a whiny bitch, i know. But this time round its very different.

He was everything that i asked for. Patient, understanding, has abit of humour, some arrogance. The one that i had hopes for. 18 months i spent, waiting and waiting, yet nothing came out of the 18 months.

Everytime i look at Shrek i see you.

As i rode down BKE, i was bawling my eyes out. Vision started to blur, i didn't know where i was going, even though i had a destination. My heart was broken by you, the very sight of you holding her hand.

I hate the fact that you are constantly on my mind, no matter what i do. Even the bus stop at Newton brought you back to my mind. I skipped traffic lights while riding, because my vision was too fucked to see anything beyond 20m.

I hate you.

You caused me agony, pain, hurt, frustration, disorientation, loss, anger and sorrow.

I just want to go into a hole, curl up and cry till my eyeballs turn purple. I have that much pain. I gave you my world, just like how i gave every other person i had feelings for. You crushed that world, the same like all the rest.

ALL OF YOU DID THE SAME THING.

I hate all of you. I hate myself.

Just let me die.
Just let me die.

Let the pain flow. Drown me with my own tears.

Cry till the world ends.

Hey You.

2010-12-01T11:54:00.002+08:00

Its been alittle over three years since i wrote about you here.

I've been bumping into your sister, and after much dutch courage (and alot of alcohol in my system), i spoke to her. I told her i knew her brother, but something in me held back the entire story.

I met her again yesterday at my workplace. She reminds me of you.

Today i reread the post i wrote to you 3++years ago. I felt overwhelmed with sorrow. It made me upset and i know nothing can ever change the events that happened that day.

Today

2010-10-12T01:11:00.002+08:00

Today, i've decided to give up.

I've supported you in every way possible. Gave you all that you asked for and more. But you still chose to go with the sweet young thing that broke your heart in the end. No matter how fuck tired i was, if you asked to hang out, i would.

I've never complained.

Not once.

Now, i think i've had enough.

Its time for me to let you go. You can be together with who you want, do what you want and be what you will. Your actions will no longer include me.

In her words, you are no different from *****.

I know for sure the both of us would never happen, not in this lifetime. Our characters may match, but everything else does not.
You need to live your life on your own. I will no longer help you.

Would you?

2010-08-23T03:15:00.001+08:00

I would give up my world for someone like that.

Would you?

I am fully prepared to be alone for the rest of my life.

Can you make that decision?

The Storm

2010-07-30T08:01:00.001+08:00

I sat, with a cigarette in hand.

Watching vehicles move past.
Watching the trees sway with the wind.

I watched, and waited.

The calm before the storm.

Surreal, majestic.
As if paving the way for something big.

Thunderclouds roll in the sky.

Eyes, watching and waiting.

Waiting for the calm to break.
Waiting to feel the first drops of rain.

Watching and waiting..

Now.

2010-07-10T06:40:00.001+08:00

The familiar number.

The familiar voice.

I never thought you would ever call me.

I listened to you, while tears ran free.
I knew you wouldn't be so cold hearted.

Your apologies meant nothing.
The anger that has been in me for so long, gone in an instant.

You offered your explainations, in a half fuck manner.

But all i really wanted to say was, i've missed you. And nothing else matters.

Today.

2010-06-29T22:57:00.002+08:00

Today i passed my 2A.

But it didn't feel as euphoric as passing 2B. This time, all lessons and test was passed at first attempts. I should feel happy, jubilant even.

But no.

Because you weren't there.

When i said i wanted you out of my life...I meant it.

Now, after so many months. I regret. But you let go of the bond yourself.

I dun know what happened with our oh-so-strong friendship. It was unbreakable, like diamonds cast in stone.

In the end, the tears still washed the dust from the crushed diamonds away.

You couldn't accept a person's change. But you expect others to forgive you for your change. Tell me, how is this thinking acceptable, even for you?

I am the proudest and the one with the most opinions, but i could accept her and gave her a second chance. You were the sweetest, with honeyed lips that made me laugh. But you still couldn't look past yourself to give others a second chance.

Why?

I knew the consequences, the backlash would come.

But it all snowballed into today, where you filled most of my thoughts.

You Part II

2010-06-23T12:03:00.002+08:00

Everywhere i go, you presence haunts me.

Every place, every spot, you seem to have left a piece of yourself for me.

To be reminded.

To be filled with memories of the year ago, where things weren't like this.

A year ago, we all hung out at one location together.

You

2010-06-16T04:17:00.001+08:00

For the longest time, my phone has not seen your name blink on its screen.

For the longest time, i have not heard your laugh.

For the longest time, i have not heard your voice.

For the longest time, i realised i missed you terribly.

Pills.

2010-04-10T22:04:00.001+08:00

I wish i can just pop all the orphenadrine and sleep forever.

Solitude.

2010-04-10T13:40:00.001+08:00

Today i felt quite alone in the world.

I remember the innocence, then the excuses took over.

Thanks but no thanks.

Shame

2010-03-31T09:35:00.001+08:00

I got a bath today. But i had to have help going to the bathroom and even taking off my clothes.

The shame.

The idea of someone looking at me naked when its not related to skinny dipping or sex.

I salute them for being able to take my shit. The generous amounts of refusal they have taken from me, but yet they still remained patient and understanding.

I hung my head, the arrogance in me gone in an instant.

How does one stay arrogant in such a situation?

The doctors tore my dressings open, with no qualms of pain.

My legs burn, with my wounds exposed to air. I can go nowhere, i have to remain in this bed like a caged phoenix.

I watch doctors walk in and out of my ward, giving one another suggestions, details, affirmations. They look upon patients like they're in the zoo.

I look at the needle on the back of my hand. The tube has murky liquid in it. I no longer have blood in my vein, great. Antibiotics and water has taken over. I really have no idea what is going to happen to me now.

Doctors say, my POP is postponed till Friday. Great, my life just cannot get any better.

You.

2010-03-30T04:48:00.001+08:00

Dun tell me to stop riding when you yourself love the passion itself. What you say maybe is for my own good, but i'm not the kind where after accident then i dun ride again.

How many time i ride and buang already? This is the fifth time. So? My own mother never stop me and you wanna stop me?

I am not the average biker chick. I'll be okay and heal eventually. And live to ride again.

Liberation

2010-03-27T10:27:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, when we ourselves think that our problems are overwhelming, there are others who have problems bigger and much more complex then ours.

We probably shouldn't complain about our lives at all.

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Its our light, not our darknes that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brillliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We ae all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not in just some of us, its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give our people permission to do the same. As we are liberated fron our own fear, our presence automaticallly liberates others."

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presense automatically liberates others.

Look back.

2010-03-22T04:54:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, like now, i look back on my past and think of memories that i stored away for many years.

I look into the mirror and i ask myself, what would my life be if i stayed on and graduated from convent school.

Would i be the clique happy- blah regular convent girl, or would i still turn out the same as now?

I've never really clicked with anyone, like other normal convent girls. Till the present, i dun even bother what happened to the group of girls that i hung out with, during my short stint in SAC. Well, look at it this way, not one of them bothered to contact me when i got suspended.

Needless to say, when i got expelled, nobody called me either.

I learnt the cruelty of humans from a tender age.

At 10, i watched the man that i am supposed to call "dad", tear my favourite stuffed rabbit up, just because i was made to stay back in school to do homework that i did not do. That rabbit, however funny/psychotic/strange this is going to sound, meant alot to me because whenever i was unhappy, i would confide in it.

After that, things were not the same anymore.

I didn't discover the gift in writing at that point of time, so a diary was not part of my childhood. I spent the later parts of my childhood trying to forget what he did, and i still remember till today.

Call this obsession, stupidity or childishness for all i care.

That rabbit was one of the incidents that moulded me.

So, dun tear or throw away your kid's favourite toy, till their properly done with it. You might drive them insane instead.

There has always been an onslaught of people that i network with. Its from being shown the world and its monetary values at 17. The people i worked with/for, the people i've come acrossed/served, the people that i sort of grew up with along the working years in service line.

Yes, i "lau" (old) already.

With alot of "pattern" that the generation after mine is trying to come up with, i just have one thing to say:

"My darlings, when you tasted your first burbon coke. Lao niang already roll finish the whole of Boat Quay."

I really open my eyes and seen for myself, the light i was in when i was 17-18. All the alcohol, "which-drink-is-the-strongest", i take a second look and i laughed.

At myself.

I look back and i find it funny. In fact, it is hilarious when all i did was seek is to get high and drunk on alcohol. End of story.

What on earth was i thinking?

Funny i.

Then i see people like Rosa doing the same exact thing i did before. The alcohol and other nonsense, i miss my younger days where i didn't need to care about many things, unlike today.

My belief is that humans complicate many simple matters in life and we all "hurt" one another, intentionally or not.

Constantly i am reminded of him.

And no matter how angry i am, i still wait.

No matter what i have said, i still wait.

I know that he's busy with her and other things.

I will wait in the shadows,

Waiting for the reconciliation.

It is ridiculous at the amount of emotions that one human can cause another. But its inevitable, it is mandatory, because without it, we all cannot grow up.

Monica's House

2010-03-15T03:56:00.003+08:00

I met Monica.

A long time ago, when i was alot younger. I thought of myself as unattractive and undesireable. I thought that no men will love me for who i am. I became "fake" and thought that i had to be a slut on the outside to have people love me.

But i was very wrong.

Monica showed me how i would be at her age, because as a alpha female, i was more determined and focused than most of my peers. Even if i were to meet any alpha female they'll be "makaned" by me because of my ever strong personality.

After all the men that i've ever loved and gone through, i realised that none of them were good enough for me because they couldnt accept me for who i am.

Melvin, Zee, even M.

I nearly died for Melvin when i was 18, looking back, i think that i was sucha retarded fucker. I wanted to take my own life for some guy that wasnt even worth it. He led me on, even though he wasnt interested in me. My whole life crashed because of him, i was only 18. So young and innocent.

Then after him i moved on, i started working and i thought of nightlife as my career. Zee came into my life and i thought that things would be better, but no i was wrong. Another lying cheating bastard.

Then after that i decided that it was enough.

I told myself that i wouldnt cry over any other men ever again.

But i broke that promise to myself many many times.

Over and over.

I cried and cried. I thought my world will never be the same ever again.

But i lived. Till today i'm 22 and i'm earning my own income, i have my own credit card, my own mobile line.

M came into my life when i started riding, i thought he was the one, but still it fell apart. I loved him like nothing else. I thought he was the one, the one that i can spend the rest of my life with, but no.

Once again, i was let down.

Monica showed me how her life can be so fabulous without a man. Her house is to die for, the music she can switch on- trance the night away.

I know what i want, i dun want a man to slow me down. I want to be successful, to know me for me. To earn my own money and spend it how i like to spend it. To ride whatever bike i wanna buy and most of all to live my own life.

I love myself and i will not let anyone tell me what i can and cannot do. I am an alpha female and nobody can do anything about it.

This is what life has taught me until now. Bring on the future, because i am not afraid of any challenges.

Loss.

2010-02-20T13:32:00.003+08:00

Today i lost a friend.

Someone i hold dear and close. But for awhile now, that friend has been moving away from me. I used to see this friend up close, then this friend moved further and further away from my vision. No matter how hard i fight, the vision will never come back to a close up again.

On the first day of turning twenty two, this friend and i are no more. I'm sick of always trying to open conversations and finding things to relate to. But i tried, because of this friend.

This friend once swore that they will never let go of the friendship. But still, i'm the one thats clapping with the air.

This friend once said that we'll be friends no matter what. But still, the no matter what came between us.

This friend once said that...

Goodbye friend. Today i weep in the memory of our past. I wish you well and good things for your future.

Goodbye A.

Rings.

2010-02-04T04:57:00.004+08:00

I went to Diva to check out their rings and i bought like three!

Changed impressions

2010-01-27T23:32:00.001+08:00

In this new year, i've learnt that sometimes, old impressions of a person can be changed. She wasnt the person i thought i would ever talk to, but events change with a twinkling of an eye, or rather a strange twist in one of Life's chapters.

We could relate on different issues. Things that i never knew could happen, happened.

Perhaps before we make a judgement, we should remember that what goes around comes around. And in order for karma to not smack you in the face, we should give the benefit of doubt to anyone new.

The first bad day of 2010.

2010-01-24T01:25:00.003+08:00

It started with the 20mins grace given to every TVRP student in my class. If school starts at 1215, the latest you can be there is 1235.

My laberet's jewel was missing when i woke up.
I left the house at 12, which is more than enough time for me to get to school in a cab. I hopped into a cab.
Everysinglemuthafuckingbloodyroad had to have either a road work or a vehicle breakdown.
The cab was moving at a snail's pace.
I was getting annoyed.

It was a ridiculous pace i was going at and by the time i reached class it was 12.55, FML.

But luckily, my lecturer is Mr NiceGuy. So i still got to sign my attendance. So thank bloody God.

After class, my classmates and i went to town. We missed the bus to town. FML. So we simmered in the heat, at the bus stop for another 15-20mins. I thought i was going to drown in my own sweat.

When we all finally got to town, i wanted to get this USB internet thingy for my netbook. So we walked to Singtel. I queued for a queue number, like wtf seriously, who the fuck created queuing for a fucking queue number?!

When i finally spoke to one of the salesperson, she told me there was no problem in signing up for the USB thing. Till she scanned my id.

Then she told me i needed to put a deposit of 500 dollars. FOR FUCK I SAY. Why in any kind of colour hell would i wanna deposit 500, when i can like buy a bag or more clothes with it? Singtel is retarded.

So i stomped out of Singtel then we went to Auntie Anne's to have our favourite pretzels and then to Cine to get Katie's icover.

After a smoke break i went to work. That was when my nightmare day got like ten times worse. My first drink of the day was an irish martini, and i broke the martini glass, in the ice bin.

I cleared the ice bin out, at like 6pm.

I cleared it out and re-topped ice in it. Fad just laughed at me, while standing at one corner of the bar.

The following may seem racist, but it is a true story and i had the opportunity to experience it. I'm not of any racist stereotype, neither am i ethnocentric. So just read the following cos its a true account and you'll understand why.

The crowd started pouring in, and the bar was getting busy. And just at the peak of the slam, this two indians sat at the bar, in front of TV2. I'll name them so its easier, S1 and S2.

S1 went to the restroom, so S2 ordered. He asked for a Heineken and a Asahi bottle. Then he asked for a credit tab, of which i said no because it was a weekend and i had no time to entertain or watch over his bill.

S2 stared at me like i was a freak, and reluctantly handed some money over for the beers. Then he asked me to SWITCH the program for TV2 that he was sitting in front of. I told him that the channels cannot be switched and that its permanent. S2 gave me the "whattheflyingfuckdidyoujustsay" look. And just so you're reminded, all of this happened in the middle of a slam.

S2: Go change the channel, i want to watch soccer.

Me: Sorry, thats not possible. The channels cannot be switched.

S2: -eyes wide open- Why not?

Me: Because its not change-able.

S2: But i want to watch soccer.

Then i walked away. To me, why should i entertain your ridiculous requests when i'm in the middle of a slam, when you can jolly well move your fat ass over to TV1?

I told my manager about the tv, he told me to IGNORE THEM.

The next thing i knew, the programs have been switched and S2 now has a tab card in front of him.

S1 came back and S2 told S1 what happened.

Some minutes later, S2 beckons me. I go over and he says some really nasty things.

S2: Why other people can change the channel and give me a tab, but you cannot?

Me: -discovers that tv program has been changed- Huh. Okay lah.

S2: You are useless.

Me: Okay, good for you.

He actually told me i was useless just because i cannot change the tv program for him, when i'm in the middle of a slam with no knowledge whatsoever about the changing of tv programs.

I walked away, knowing that if i listen to more of his bullocks, i will punch a fucking glass into his face. Awhile later, S1 orders a second round of drinks, of which i had to serve them cos my bar captain was busy.

When i put the drinks down, S1 beckons me, with a finger.

S1: Why are you so useless?! Others can change the tv and give us a tab but you cannot?!

Me: Eh, whatever lah.

I was fucking pissed off.

Why should i get the fuck when i'm just following what i was told to do? Why should i change the fucking tv channel when you demand for it?! I am sick and tired of such customers who persist in getting their way, dun leave tips and demand for ridiculous things.

On the more recent note, the issue of ice water. This cheapskate kept coming indoors to take ice water, and in the end, we removed all the water jugs.

So cut the long story short, this man was standing at the cashier point. He asked the cashier for ice water, and the cashier asked me for it.

Cashier: Eh, he want ice water.

Me: You do know that we're not supposed to give out ice water right?

But still to prevent her from getting fucked, i gave the man an ice water and told him that we only serve ice water to dinner guests.

Lizzy was there also, but all she did was not to explain the ice water situation. She, herself insisted that i should serve ice water.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BLOODY FLOOR CAPTAIN?

She's not new, nor is she a greenhorn. But NOTHING stopped her from doing what she did, even though she was supposed to back me up.

Obviously the man threw a shitfit.

I seriously cannot be bothered anymore, i keep getting fucked for shit that is not my fault. And people can tell me i dun smile. For fuck i smile? Does smiling put food on the table? I'm not selling pussies, so i dun need to smile.

In the end, go think about it. I everytime kena this kind of knnpcb bullshit, you think i wanna smile and say thanks for scolding me?

FUCK THIS INDUSTRY I SAY.

Bad day.

2010-01-16T18:16:00.000+08:00

Cos i had a bad day and i will blog all about it when i'm free-er.

Resolution for 2010.

2010-01-06T04:18:00.003+08:00

Get a HP Mini.
Class 2A
Class 3
Do a kickass Graduation Project.
Get out of school.
Go to Thailand.
Go to HongKong.
Go to Japan.
Vaio Z58.
Get a career asap.
Move out of the house.

When thoughts go wandering.

2009-12-20T20:57:00.002+08:00

I've never been the one who waits for anything. Sometimes i think i was born without a patience gene. But for the past month, i waited for an answer.

Till i gave up waiting.

The wait destroyed part of my life. I didn't want anyone to know about it, keeping it to myself. The worst part was having to pretend that everything was perfect and that i didn't have any problems. It was as if i lost everything overnight, my world lost its sun, the only thing that brightened up my days.

I took a gamble, because i know if i lose, i lose everything. But still i persisted in my desires, hoping and praying for the "loss" that will not come. In the end, i was still the loser, with nothing to return home with. I had nothing and nobody.

I had to go through what i was going through by myself and the shit deal was probably that i still had to listen to other peoples' problems, but i had nobody to listen to mine. I felt the loneliest during this period. I had nobody to trust, or rather i lost faith in people.

The bitching around refused to stop. It was as if i was talking to clay that was already conformed their shape. I gave up talking eventually because the feelings i had would not let me form words for them. School became a goddamn drag because i couldn't pay attention in any of my classes.

Any shit deal that can happen, happened.

I'm still picking myself up, wondering what and where did i go wrong. Maybe it was wrong for me to want someone i cannot have. So i've decided not to conform to one and be the non-conformist that i am.

Bah!

2009-12-06T01:59:00.002+08:00

My current alcohol tolerance can go suck cock.

For you.

2009-12-03T01:32:00.001+08:00

I. Will. Wait.

Gone.

2009-12-03T00:34:00.001+08:00

And I know it's over.

Fucked day.

2009-11-14T12:34:00.008+08:00

Mankind is definitely born fucking stupid, because nobody machine washes a fucking Bape jacket. Its a $600, limited edition, Bape jacket.

I really fucking hate it when anyone touches anything of mine without asking.

Now i'm crying like fuck and i dunno what to do.

Plus my day is really fucked, cos i dreamt of this fella that got pulled into a hole cos of the chain he was wearing. He got pulled in and was crushed by the moving propellers and his blood was like everywhere. I just know my first reaction upon seeing his chain get caught, is not to help him. It was the human instinct to run away.

I hid in a corner, stuffing my fingers in my ears, rocking my body so that i'll be distracted by the motion and not the sounds. But no, i could still hear it, the sound of blood splattering all over the walls/floor. I woke up and i was all curled up like a foetus, sitting on the corner of my bed, still rocking.

I told M about his jacket. He is damn sian and i'm still crying like fuck.

Bar jokes.

2009-11-11T19:30:00.003+08:00

Customer: Do you have anything to eat?
Bartender: Got ah. Tissue paper.

Customer: Do you know where is the nightlife?
Bartender: Why? You got no life ah?

Customer: Excuse me!
Bartender: Toilets are to your right.

Customer: I want whiskey on the rocks, no ice.
Bartender: What!!??

Uncertainty

2009-10-31T00:20:00.001+08:00

I no longer know who is telling the truth. And it's taxing to play such games with other little people.
You can seriously go to hell if you wanna play such games.

Short update.

2009-10-24T23:20:00.001+08:00

I promise to update asap. As soon as I finish my goddamned assignments.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

2009-10-07T01:03:00.001+08:00

To Adam Juhari.
And..
Medusa, my tempermental TW200.

Many happy returns for your special day.

Perhaps.

2009-10-06T03:14:00.003+08:00

Looking back at the past few weeks, its been one joyride.

I'm currently living a very carefree life, with little or no worry about anything whatsoever. No calls asking me for advice etc. All i need to care about is whether my bike has petrol or when i need to quit smoking.

I like the dating phase.

He drives me insane sometimes with his pokes and tries ways and means to annoy the living hell outta me. But oh well.

He suggests that i blog about life on the road. And i think thats a very good idea. It'll be quite interesting to read it from another person's point of view, no?

Baby.

2009-09-29T05:07:00.001+08:00

I can see your halo.

=)

2009-09-28T01:43:00.001+08:00

You. Drove. Me. Insane.

Hello there.

2009-09-23T04:08:00.000+08:00

Things i do to get a picture with a dog.

Fuck me.

2009-09-09T02:57:00.004+08:00

Rushed back from school to have dinner with M, met up and took a ~~bus~~cab because i refuse to wait for the bus.

We had dinner at Swensons. I've been to alot of places to eat, but i swear to God Swensons is by far, THE WORST, restaurant i've ever eaten at. If i wanted a steak done RARE, i think i will ask for it to be done that way. But no, i was given like probably the RAREST steak alive. Its like they warmed it up on the grill for five minutes then serve it to me.

And when i asked for it to be done the way i wanted it to be, i got it back BURNT. This certainly tells me how much bullshit your cooking and attitude is worth. But the epic part came when i asked for the Manager. There are alot of people who have dined and actually seen a service staff getting verbally attacked by yours truly. I guess M saw it for the first time and he kept trying to calm me down.

I told the Manager, "If i wanted my steak to be done rare, i would ask for it. Then i asked for my steak to be re-done only to have it come back to me, BURNT. Now, i REFUSE to pay for this and you WILL strike it off and bring me my bill."

Obviously the Manager had nothing else to say.

So the bill came and it was presented to M, he being the sweetest, put his card on the bill folder, but no, i took the bill and glanced through then i swapped his card for mine. We waited awhile for the bill to come back and then i signed it. She was about to take the folder away when i told her to wait and put ten dollars on the bill folder. She stopped and hesitated, not sure of what i was doing. But i told her it was okay.

We left after that.

M said that even though i complained about the food and all, i was still nice enough to give them a tip. To which i cordially replied, that a tip is nothing compared to the verbal lashing i gave.

I know i sound very mean and i totally agree that i am a bitch. But the truth is, i work in this line also. I do not give you fucked up drinks or food, neither do i intentionally ignore you when you want to order something. Its just that maybe the society shouldn't be such a free loader and actually buy drinks instead of ask for ice water repeatedly. Its like, do you actually know how bloody IRRITATING it is to keep going back and forth for water?

Last Saturday, 12th Sept.
I buanged bike again. This time, of all the things i can ram into, i rammed M's $1000 pipe, which sat a plane from Finland to SG. I cannot go bang on the tyre, or side stand or the fender, NO, i had to aim for the goddamned pipe. Then never mind the pipe. I also screwed his main stand.

WOW.

I never cease to amaze myself, the Queen Clumsy.

I was freaking out when i got home, cos i swear to God i thought M hates me because of the fact i rammed into his bike. Its like when i fell off and rolled once, when i sat up, the first thing i thought of was his bike.

I thought my life was over.

But no, first thing he did was to help me up and insist on going to the hospital. I thought my tattoos got all scraped off and that i was bleeding everywhere. I was scared ball-less please. I did a quick check and i found out i was okay.

Till i saw my bike.

Damages to my bike:
Handlebar bent.
Mirror gone.
Front brake lever gone.
P-plate broke. ( Left like the yellow luminous parts. So now it looks like a vampire gone wrong.)
Total damage: Probably...less than $100.

Then went to examine M's bike:

Damages to his chrome/vintage bike:
Pipe crooked. (The thing sit aeroplane come SG one.)
Side cover got giant dent.
Main stand gone.
Footrest rubber tore.
Total damage: About 1.8k? Unsure how much the side cover cost.

Wah, i dunno what to do also please. He still can tell me he want to pay for my servicing. I told him to either buy me a new bike, or shut up. We sat at the kerb and i called for a tow truck, because there is no way as hell i am going to ride without a front brake. I can try but M wont let me. He says my four months of experience is not enough to cope.

It is fucking sad to see your bike "ki chia" (dialect for die already and go up the hearse). I wanted to cry. He gave me a ride home after i settled my bike with the tow truck. And it sure didnt help that his fucked main stand hit the hump at my carpark.

I got home and i cried.

I felt damn bad please. He was so goddamned tired but he still had to browse through like 1700 pages to find a main stand to replace the one i screwed. My god, i thought he hated and will never want to see me again. I was so worried that i cried myself to sleep.

And when morning came, i called my mech only to find out that he's at the shop but didnt call or text me about it. I freaked and texted half the world telling them that he hates me. But i went down to the shop and its a goddamned relief to see his smile and wave.

I swear.

He's not mad at me for screwing up his pipe, main stand and other parts. He's mad because i rode recklessly. He still ~~sayangs~~punched me, not very hard though, more like a touch and go, and talks to me normally.

I dun know what i did to deserve this, but i'm as sure as hell that he's a God given miracle. =)

Funny.

2009-09-01T03:02:00.002+08:00

Phoenix: "Cheesecake?"
Fiz: "What cheesecake? Got hear darling all, never got girl call me cheesecake before."

HAHAHHAHAHAH!!!! Fucking funny.

Updates.

2009-08-31T02:35:00.005+08:00

I've been happy these days, till Adam decided to pull a joke on me.

I'm one pampered bitch, manja as the malays would call it. Its been a long time since i've been treated this way, and it does feel damn shiok to be able to rely on someone for once. So i'm a happy bitch.

Installed BMW air-horns, thanks to the crazy drivers on the roads.

Traded tanks with Marco's tw. Its matt black.

Look at it, look at the amazing tank.

Then as a whole, she's almost perfect.

But Medusa is ill. She needs to go for a small operation because her engine is making this weird ticking noise, its driving me mad. I cannot stand weird noises on bikes. I must have her cured. Soon perhaps, when i get my pay.

A little sneak peek of Marco's tw project. He's quite enthusiastic about it, and we've been at the bike shop every day this week. I've fallen sick, like finally really. At least i dun feel half fucked all the time. Now i just feel fucked, not literally of course.

An attempt to create a Harley look, but the ex-owner failed terribly.

Stripped naked.

Now.

2009-08-25T00:13:00.000+08:00

I'm here to say, its over.

One.

2009-08-11T06:20:00.001+08:00

ENOUGH.

I only require/need ONE.

I dun need anything/anyone else.

Industry.

2009-08-05T11:18:00.002+08:00

Having been in this line for, at last count, nearly five years. I've seen many things that normal girls my age would never see. This line is ugly, superficial and money based.

I swear.

Everything is all about looks and if you're "cute" like me, you can kiss this career goodbye if you dun have my kind of mentality. I guess after so long, co-workers have learnt that i'm not the "vase" and that i can do almost the same or even better than them.

I dun know.

Its how i was trained to work. I was trained to surpass others and there is no other alternative. In theory, it'll be if you can't beat them then join them kinda thing. I've watched and learnt from some of the best and the worst. I've done things that i never knew i could do. But this is the line where i learnt how to wear a mask. I've learnt that if you're a skinny, okay looking girl, you'll get all the benefits in the world. I'm not like that, in fact, i look nowhere near skinny.

I've watched skinny polesticks get their way by being just alittle bit whinier. I've seen them shift blame, and i really hate it. Sorry, for being meatier than them bitches.

Then again, this is a superficial industry. And i'm right smack in the middle of it.

I really cannot count the amount of times i was called fat by fellow colleagues, managers etc. It doesnt affect me anymore though. But still, leave the weight alone. I know i am a man-girl, but dun carry it too far, you might kena slap one day, by that man-girl.

Okay, i'll edit this later. Now i got no mood.

Thoughts.

2009-08-01T08:44:00.003+08:00

Just when i thought i was all free and happy, B comes into the picture.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.

And i thought Jean's streak in something is astonishing, here comes mine that beats hers all hands down. I'm plagued by many thoughts and insights. I dun know which option should i choose because both are good in their own ways. No matter what, somebody gonna get hurt (*russel peters), and i dun want that.

I really dun understand why i'm getting problems like this at this time, i thought everything was happy and gay. Till my freaking nightmare began. I need to understand Choice A before i think somemore. If Choice A is not gonna have an explaination, then its byebye to Choice A. But i like Choice A, its something about it that drives me mad and makes me feel secure.

Choice B on the other hand, makes me feel immensely happy. It may not be something that i would ever expect to happen, but it did. And boy oh boy did it give me a wonderful surprise. Choice B is smart and calm, never easily thrown from course and is very steady and secure.

HOW NOW?!

I is lost. Save me.

/edit/

Just when i thought i was all settled down and not moving to another workplace, i get another offer. RAH!

It never rains but pours, i swear.

And karma will bite you back in the ass if you lie. So dun lie.

I lied and it didnt feel very good on the inside, because i really dun like to lie. =(

The attraction.

2009-07-29T04:46:00.006+08:00

I borrowed this Shoei helmet from Marco. Its darn gerek ( shiok in malay).

Yes, look at the thing. Its glitter gold.

Marco flew to Chicago yesterday for work and he wont be back for one-three weeks. I is sad phoenix, because theres nobody that will go drink carrot juice with me. Okay, i dun drink carrot juice, he does.

I rode with the Shoei helmet and you should have seen the amount of looks i got from other bikers on the road. This Phantom rider did one super long checking of blindspot when he saw me on the other side of the road. It was funny! Its like coupled with the fact that i'm a girl and riding a Trailway, he looked quite stunned.

But its mine till Marco comes back. Till then, i have to take very good care of the helmet because it cost a bomb. I carry it like a piece of gold.

Fiz says it looks like the first draft of ironman's mask. I beg to differ please.

Now or later?

2009-07-27T08:06:00.001+08:00

I promise i will blog...later.

I promise.

Now, i need to sleep.

You know what?

2009-07-24T04:50:00.001+08:00

I know for sure if this goes through, i'll be one blissfully happy phoenix.

High.

2009-07-20T05:26:00.008+08:00

I am really happy. This feels like how i felt after my TP day, but waay better!

From where you find someone who does not mind my appearance or past? From where would you find someone that has no motive/intention in knowing you for you?

I am living the blissful life.

M: "I want to buy a vintage bike and subride to you so that you can follow me go vintage bike outing."

I nearly hyperventilated and died.

M: "I realise we always meet to either do bike or have a drink. Let's go for dinner sometime."

I feel like crying for joy when he said that.

I am really high, on cloud nine.

Happy.

2009-07-19T06:01:00.005+08:00

Before time began, there was the cube...of cheese/tofu. -Transformers

I am living in a blissful life right now. I dun seem to have any anger, frustration or bitchfits that i want to throw.

Long time ago, i gave up on men. They seemed shallow and always doing things with motive. Having worked in nightlife for so many years, i watched men, whether they're married/engaged or with girlfriends, fool around with women. I watched their intentions, motives, reactions to women and sad to say, I've lost faith in them. My world seemed to revolve around sex, drugs and alcohol. I was sick and tired of listening to men tell me that they love/like/interested in me.

I was really sick and tired.

To the extent that even if i got a "proposal", i would turn them down. When other girls my age chased relationships and other girly intentions, i chased my career and nothing else. I seemed to be able to tell whether men were true or not, and sad to say, 99.5% of them had intentions to fuck rather than respect.

I always seemed older than my twenty one years.

It never bothered me that much.

To go clubbing would equal to standing/sitting with drinks and loud music. I lost touch with my age, thinking and having the "want" to be responsible for my own life. I started earning my own keep at eighteen and by nineteen my monthly salary was over two thousand and i had nothing to spend on. I did all of it without men and i've always deemed girls who needed to get into a relationship, weak and dependent on others.

Till i met him.

I went out yesterday, with him. I was carefree and happy. He made me laugh with his stories and riding never seemed this much fun.

His class 2 bike could beat mine flat with only three fingers on the throttle and in third gear. But no, he trailed behind me all the way, making sure i was safe and that he didnt outspeed me. Turning corners were the same, he would turn first and check his mirrors for me before speeding up to lead the way. My braking sucks because i always brake late, thus i always nearly ram into his two thousand dollar endcan. If it were others and i did that, i would get yelled at for the near miss. But he would calmly move up alittle so that there was space for me to shift and be comfortable. I pilloned him on Medusa because his seat was being done and he never once rushed me during the lane changing and stuff. He kept telling me to take my time. He knows i'm halal so he brought me to Mcdonalds for a late lunch. I didnt have to do anything, just sit and wait and even the condiments, he took them all for me. He taught me stuff about my bike i dun even have a clue to, brought me to buy stuff to put on Medusa.

Being the racer i am, i constantly challenge death. He knows that my speedometer is small, therefore i won't look at it, he gave me a spare meter of his, which looks freaking brand new, when he could have sold it for money. I said i wanted to go see his helmet collection and you better believe me when i tell you the fella has ONE head and over a HUNDRED helmets. He told me another day he wouldnt bring me home because there was no one else at home and that i was a girl. He brought me to the flea market at Pitt St to look around for vintage things and because i said i've never been there before. He shielded me when some fool of a child didnt look where he was going and nearly walked into me.

I have no idea what is this thing between us called, and frankly speaking, i really dun give a flying bother even. I just know that i'm happy and i havent felt this way in a very long time.

The bruise.

2009-07-18T06:59:00.003+08:00

I skidded on Medusa two weeks ago. I went face first into this drain thingy and i thought i died. My entire life flashed before my eyes.

When i opened my eyes, i cussed silently.

I wondered why my heaven had so many goddamn mats in it. And when i sat up, i wanted to cry because i thought the bikes in my heaven were pathetic. There were only Krs, Sps and kupchais. There didnt seem to be any Harleys or Aprillias or Hayabusas or even Ducatis.

I sat there in shock and Medusa's tank had my ankle pinned under her. Then the mats all got together and pulled her off me and out of the drain. Her "eye" was in a different direction and it was retarded, i swear. I didnt know what to do, and i could only stare at her, then to my friend and back again.

But i checked if she was okay, once i derived if i was hurt in any way. I was damn scared my arm twist against the forces of nature and all. But no, i was okay. Even my tattoos survived the fall. Then again, i was wearing jeans, shoes and tee. So it was still okay.

Day 1.

Day 3/4

Now.

My phoenix looks like its flying over a purple fireball. And my toe was swollen. I swear i had problems walking and its even worse when i had to work the whole of this week.

But i'm okay now. I'm still alive and kicking.

The best part about this accident is...it was the anniversary of the day i got Medusa. How coincidental please.

On the other hand, i was chewing on a french fry the other day. I was thinking of the amount of thoughts i had in my brain. It seemed overwhelming and tiring at the same time.

I had to think of alot of solutions to problems and how to get things done. Its wearing me down, so i've decided that i dun want to bother anymore. I just wanna live my life, blissfull, ignorant and happy.

Pain.

2009-07-08T03:36:00.005+08:00

The right side of my brain seems to be sending out jolts of electricity.

So i might die in my sleep.

This is the last will and testament of Fiona Ang.

My bike, Medusa, FM2016C, willed to Khatijah binte Malik (Katie). May you enjoy riding her like i did.
My finances, to be spent on one mother of all kickass parties to celebrate my death.

Erm, i dun really know what else to write.

Everything else to my mother.

Thanks.

Let's See.

2009-07-07T04:42:00.006+08:00

Term is nearly ending.

We're left with exams to go and then its diploma term already. I guess that its been one hell of a term with Econs and Advertising to understand. I expected this term to be alittle bit more happening, but i got alot of drama in the end.

Part of which i was involved in.

Its come to no surprise.

I like to think when i ride around. To reflect on the past, present and future. Alot of thoughts have plagued my mind since school started. I guess its difficult when i need to be there for everyone and not really expecting it back from them. Its this human sacrifice of mine, as i like to call it.

Adam:
You're my bestest best friend alive and i love you oh so very much. No matter how many times i stare daggers at you when you're up to some mischief or doing your "PJ" actions. I still love you for who you are and what you do. I have been the most tiring girlfriend you can have, with my temperments and such, but you took it all. You waved my temperments away like swatting a fly, you never blamed me for saying the bitter, hurtful words i threw at you whenever i was in one of my moods. Instead, you asked and implored for me to calm down. The never ending phone calls till the wee hours of the morning, of which most of the time ends when you doze off on me. To listen to you sleep, to watch you nod off in the cab rides i persuaded you to take no matter how ego-smashing it is. To watch you club and trying to "angkat" ~~girls~~ minahs. It all doesnt matter to me, because i'll always be here to watch over you and your antics. Thanks for the smiles and warmth to my stone cold heart, because now you can tell the world, that you melted the Phoenix's stone cold heart. I'll always love you, and you'll always belong to me.

Alcan:
Girlfriend!! For all the laughter and himbotic things you do to brighten up my life. You never gave anything lesser than your best for me. Talking to you is like talking to my inner self, because you never fail to give me the most direct answers to questions i ask. Cookie and Nono are the very pets you worship, because i watched you display your love for them. Robbie and you never fail to make me feel at home in your house, constantly asking me to help myself to everything, to come over to stay etc. The two of you remind me of the home i do not have, the family i never see. Thank you, for being who you two are.

Bryan:
Dear dear B, i never thought that we would be so close. From the first day of school where i watched your "arrogance" to others, to this loyal friend that i've come to treasure forever. Your problems are always my problems and i will never want to change this, no matter how taxing it is for me. You've made me laugh, cry and even experience fear. But i know you're being fierce because you dun want me to fall down, or get into an accident with Medusa. Thank you, for being such a great friend.

Katie:
Minah, for all the words i said about you to others, i apologise once again. I've never been anything but honest with you. Its true that the saying goes, the pen is mightier than the sword. My words can kill, but i chose to be honest to tell you about what i said and how i felt. I guess it made our friendship stronger in a sense. The nights where i had no destination and we would hang out under your block like regular mats and minahs, smoking our lungs out. It would feel better being able to talk to someone face to face than on the phone. And you were always there for me, through and through. Thank you. for lending me a listening ear when i needed it.

Allison:
Minah No.2, we may not hang out as much because of my hectic schedule and your strict mommy, but all the times that we did made so much of a difference. The times in class where we would bitch about something or someone, laughed and then forget about it. The time where we all got a H1N1 mask from Rosa, and i put it on like a hairband, you laughed at my ears because they looked chachat. Thank you, for being someone i can whine to.

Shak:
Hello first friend! You bloody head butting shit you. For all the times you made me laugh, enough said. But please study for the coming exams okay.

Its the cold roads that i ride through in the middle of the night, feeling the chill of the forest, thinking of each and everyone of you, smiling as i ride. I look like a retard, i know. But for all of you, i'll cross ~~fries~~fires and climb mountains to get to you in your time of need.

One day i may disappear, to find my purpose in life. But that is another story to tell. =)

Now i know.

2009-07-04T08:36:00.002+08:00

That God is the one that pushes my limits to the brink of death.

I've been having alot of problems with Medusa recently, running to and fro from the mechanic's like i going in and out of hospital like that. I was very stressed out because of her. M helped alot during this week when i faced hardcore shit with Medusa.

I had to push her, like literally, to the shop and it was so not funny. I kena stare, laugh, horned at, but its okay i can take it, for Medusa. Now, she's back home with me. I just have to pray whenever i need to start her up.

But she's good now.

And i'm happy.

I just need to rewire, paint, rewrap seat, change batt pack, front disc brake and fix her tail. Now, isnt that alot to be done?

But i love her, i can go 140km with no problems after her carburetor was changed.

Then her kickstart is the mother of all fucks. Its because i cannot bloody kickstart a bike for NUTS.

My brain is so tired and dead from all the "readings" i am doing. Please, lets all take this two weeks as a cooling down period, to calm down our hormones and do some productive studying. Two problems in one night is really no joke please. I have a job, school to upkeep, Medusa to feed and friends to love.

When you come back.

2009-06-30T00:27:00.004+08:00

From smoking, i dun even know whether i'll be here to talk to you anymore.

I'm sorry, i dun know if this is the better option. But i'm here to live that decision through. The thoughts are plaguing my mind. The very thought, of not being able to touch your arm, to comb your "fur" eats me from the inside.

To watch your name blinking on my phone yet, using my pillow to muffle the sounds, the images.

I didnt want you to hear the tears fall.

Bah.

2009-06-28T21:05:00.005+08:00

I realised that with time people tend to take others for granted. And that ungratefulness is the bane of all mankind.

I'm tired of everything and anything. I fell for my BFF and that just sucks. I'm trying to keep my distance but its ripping me apart. I dun want this anymore.

I would like to die.

Please.

I no longer want to know what will happen, or what is going to happen. I'll just let it happen and get the fuck on with life.

I hate school. I dun understand whats with the masses of assignments that we are getting. Its as if we are people with no life whatsoever, we have masses of time to do many assignments and reports.

I hate my life.

Goodbye.

2009-06-19T07:08:00.000+08:00

Its now or never.

Its inevitable.

Hello.

2009-06-15T00:07:00.002+08:00

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

A Proud Parent.

2009-06-09T08:17:00.004+08:00

Of a Yamaha Trailway200.

I got my bike since the 8th of June.

Its sweet, and i love it. Its old, like fifteen years old. But i love it. I love it to the core.

Rode with Hafiz all the way till Changi, but stopping at Jalan Kayu for some supper first. The road there was long and cold. Thank God i brought my jacket, although its a thin one.

We had fun. Fiz brought me to OCH and some other abandoned buliding, of which i couldnt see the road and my bike decided to fall down. Its probably pissed it couldnt see the road either. The whole place was pitch black, i had to high-beam all the way in, then came this huge slope, and i fell. I was carrying a pillion, he tahan the weight, but its precisely because he tahan the weight, i couldnt guage the bike's weight.

Sounds confusing, i know.

But all went well till we got to this carpark near the airport. I parked my bike, looked up and thought i went to heaven. It was the sweetest TW alive, exactly how i want my own TW to be. I cannot just type all of this bullshit, you have to see it to believe it.

I love it. The moment i saw it, i fell in love over again. It called my name over and over. The owner of the bike, came back and he saw my TW. He called out and asked whose ride it was, i told him it was mine, he said it was sweet. I said his was the sweetest.

We got to talking and found out alot of TWs. Now, i need to change my carb and do the wiring. God, i am so in love with TWs. His bike was exactly, exactly how i wanted it. My god, can you just kill me nowwww.

Mine was mediocre compared to his. My baby's brother had a better everything.

Fasli, the owner of this bike, let me try out his bike. I nearly died, nearly lost control of my emotions. His bike had to be kickstarted, so i tried, but i couldnt get the hang of it. So he started it for me and off i went.

OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I wanted to kneel down and beg him to change rides with me, his was the more powerpacked TW. Hardcore i would say.

So now, i need to get new carb and do the wiring for my bike. I love it very much still, but it needs alot to smarten up and meet the world.

I love you, baby.

Displeasure or Disapproval?

2009-06-04T00:00:00.003+08:00

I'm experiencing alot of disapproval from the men in my life.

I'm feeling quite the depressed phoenix right now. The Fiona i used to know doesn't give two fucks. I dun understand why i feel like this right now. I'm so depressed that i really dun know what to do right now.

Why am i feeling this way?

Why are all of their comments affecting what i want to do?

Not only that, this search for TWs is driving me insane. I cannot find the perfect TW at all! I'm so annoyed that its not even remotely funny anymore.

I'm being driven up the wall. Save me.

Only Love

2009-05-30T02:47:00.001+08:00

2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust

[Chorus]

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our good-bye

Since when?

2009-05-23T22:46:00.002+08:00

Ever since i passed and received my license, i received many congratulatory and well-wishes from everyone.

Thank You.

But the shit deal is that i have to endure them telling me that i shouldnt be riding and whatnot. I myself know how bad things are on the road. Even my own sister told my mommy that they have to get ready to get my coffin when i get my bike.

WTFF is this?

Please, i fought to get this license. Do me a favour, just applaud and say congratulations.

PS: Darling, i know you dun like me to ride. But it means everything to me right now. =) I'll be careful okay. I wont do any stunts.

About my TP.

2009-05-22T06:21:00.002+08:00

I've taken this 2B course for like eons already, stopping for months at a time for work and whatnot. Then now that i'm back at school, i decide to follow up and go for TP, of which the first Tp i failed.

Freaking 32 points.

All the most nonsense points that is avaliable, all i kena.

I was so depressed, that i cooped myself up at home for the whole day. Not even bothering to answer my phone or msn. It was the worst feeling i could ever feel, and i swore i would never feel like that again.

On this 21st May 2009, i went for my second TP. I made stupid mistakes like, forgetting to signal,delay in moving off and even letting my leg touch the ground.

I was so pissed off that i felt like chopping off my leg and fingers.

Its like any of these small mistakes can contribute to my failure. Plus, the leg on the ground thing constitutes to a immediate failure.

I was one worried dog.

I called Adam to whine for half an hour, then i went up to wait for results. It was the bloody Tension room all over again. The TP came in and called alot of random numbers. But not one was close to my set of numbers. I was freaking out big time.

Then all the TPs left, and i got confused because they didnt call out my number at all! Then how now brown cow!

Then the instructor started reading out numbers, with no link at all. When he was done, he said, "the numbers that i just called, you passed!"

The whole room erupted.

I swear, in one go, all the tension was lost.

I passed, with 16 points.

I feel like i'm at the top of the world right now.

TP2.

2009-05-21T03:02:00.000+08:00

Its finally freaking TP day again!!

I pray with all my heart that i will pass.

Fuck all of those that want me to fail. This is the Day i Pass.

Lost.

2009-05-17T04:34:00.002+08:00

First of all, i did a muthafuck of a mistake. My float had a short of $30. I was so freaking pissed. Thank you for listening.

Somehow, i'm feeling lost.

I dun know how i should be feeling about our friendship. I really am at lost, because i have never felt this way. Its like how i would go to the ends of the earth for you, for any request that you make.

But somehow, i feel something stirring in me when i watch you and what you do.

Strange, very strange. I must read my emotions now.

No sleep= Grumps.

2009-05-12T00:26:00.007+08:00

I am now very very sure that i am not a morning person.

I had some gay workshops on Monday and it was the gayest alive. Do i look like i need workshops for presentation and moral values?

Stop bloody wasting my freaking time.

I ended up snapping in Marketing class, at the lecturer, when he decided to probe about why i looked so down. I started writing my thoughts onto a piece of paper, writing out how i felt and what will happened. I felt that it was time to walk away. It was horrible, i felt horrible. I TKO after that and only woke up when class ended.

But, there are some losers who cannot keep their bloody mouths shut at all. What happens with Adam and i, doesnt even concern you one little bit. Stop trying your best to be "old friends" with me so that you can fit in with my clique of people. You and i, just dun gel, at all. So stop trying your best to make things happen.

This is teletubs, Po.

Our presentation day finally loomed into reality. We were all so excited, calling and msning one another, the night before, asking what the other party was wearing.

We all arrived decked out like we were going for somebody's wedding. It was so much fun and we all thoroughly enjoyed it.

Angelie and i.

Alcan (the sexy beast) and i.

Katie (in five inch wedges) and i.

Shak and Adam.

Shak, Maximoose, Alcan and Allie.

Ahdum and i.

Sherman

My group's picture. Dun ask me what the fella is doing to my photo.

We had one heck of a long day, with our presentation getting cut into half and all. I was angry, but my strained calfs upstaged my anger. My three inch heels are no joke man.

We went for dinner and coffee, then it was home sweet home after that. =)

Underneath Your Clothes.

2009-05-11T04:07:00.001+08:00

I used to be able to sing this song very well. But, sad to say i ruined my voice with all the cigarettes and alcohol.

Bah!

Who cares! I love this song, its somewhat how i feel right now. =)

You're a song
Written by the hands of God
Don't get me wrong cause
This might sound to you a bit odd
But you own the place
Where all my thoughts go hiding
And right under your clothes
Is where I find them

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey [x2]

I love you more than all that's on the planet
Movin' talkin' walkin' breathing
You know it's true
Oh baby it's so funny
You almost don't believe it
As every voice is hanging from the silence
Lamps are hanging from the ceiling
Like a lady tied to her manners
I'm tied up to this feeling

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey [x2]

The time will come.

2009-05-10T05:55:00.004+08:00

You have no idea how much i value this friendship.

There are so many things i have to contemplate. Things i have to think about. The things i say sounds cliche, i know. But its true. Its all true.

I cannot accept that i can be in the middle of someone's r/s, no matter how much i love you. It is not fair for me or the person you're gonna be with. Yes, she may accept it, but i will not.

You say you dun want things to change. Sad to say, life is all about change. Yes, i've been there for you since Day 2, but things will be different once you make your decision.

How would you want me to accept being the "third party" in other sense.

When the time comes, i will need to walk away.

My heart will break because i will always love you very very much.

This is too much, i need to read into my emotions. I need to think. I'm becoming the saddest and the most depressed.

On a Good Day:

Alittle bit lost and
Alittle bit lonely.
Alittle bit cold here
Alittle bit fear.
But i hold on
And i feel strong
And i know that i can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who i am

Been talking to myself forever yeah
And how i wish i knew me better
Still sitting on the shelf
I never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a Good Day

And it feels like me
On a Good Day.

I'm a little bit handed in
Alittle bit isolated
Alittle bit hopeful
Alittle bit calm

But i hold on
And i feel strong
And i know that i can
Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who i am

Been talking to myself forever
Yeah
And how i wish i knew me better
Yeah
Still sitting on the shelf
I never
Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me
On a Good Day

And it feels like me
On a good day

Been talking to myself forever yeah
And how i wish i knew me better yeah
Still sitting on the shelf
I never
Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me
On a Good day

Been talking to myself forever yeah
And how i wish i knew me better yeah
Still sitting on the shelf
I never
Never seen the sun shine brighter

And it feels like me
On a Good day

Happenings.

2009-05-08T04:37:00.005+08:00

I had my first class test.

It was the worst day of my life. I studied and still i couldnt answer properly. I dun understand why. I was quite flustered and Adam wasnt making things any better. The fella was making me stressed, and by the time i went out of the classroom, my hair was like all over the place.

I hate Marketing.

My class is still fun, although there are alot of complex situations happening, and i have no idea why i am like the intermediary for everyone.

Tsk.

We are like hardcore smokers. We come out smoke only, like big problem happened.

I dun know why ah, half my class smokes. So its like hardcore smoking gang balls. Its so fun to have a cigarette and talk cock outside the school gate.

Fiona, Nick, Ahdum.

Fiona, Bryan.

Ahdum, Max, Shak, Angelie.

Ahdum and Fiona!

Girls at the smoking area.

First class outing!

2009-05-03T13:18:00.002+08:00

I have the best classmates ever.

We had to do this self-introductory thing for our first Communications lesson and my group did about, "Why are you here?" thing.

It was bloody hilarious.

Adam: "My name is Adam, i just finished Army, i'm here because i got no purpose in life."

Then thats it, all the nonsense started from this fella.

Derrick: "I'm Derrick, i'm here because nobody wants me."
Mike: "I'm Mike, i never go for holiday before, just go KL, eat and come back."

Fucking funny, my class.

We went out for class outing the other night. It was shit funny, because there were like close to thirty of us that went.

The nonsense games that we played, and the freaking eight towers we consumed. It was all good man.

I really had alot of fun that night. Cheers to you, DMCD0949A.

Back to school.

2009-04-20T17:40:00.002+08:00

My lecturer is damn lame. He knows facts about Hello Kitty that we dun know about, like why Hello Kitty got no mouth all. I'm quite like wtf, but its funny ah.

I guess its different now, because today is the first day of school. My class is better than the previous one because theres no stupid bitch to act smart and debate with the lecturer.

Plus theres wayy lesser "chinese" people, so dun have to deal with english electronic dictionaries that "speak out" the wrong translations.

And i'm bored of class already, i want to go shopping...

You is feeling?

2009-04-18T13:56:00.002+08:00

I is feeling retarded.

I went down to Queensway to pay for my school fees yesterday. The queue number states that i need only wait for a maximum of twenty minutes. But it was major bullshit please. I waited for half an hour because a whole bunch of students came in and one by one, they kept interrupting the counter staff. I was bloody annoyed because what is the bloody point of taking a queue number when there are like fifty other people cutting in?!~

When my number was called, i walked over to the counter where this China girl was hogging the seat, she was speaking in rapid chinese to the course consultant and the counsultant kept telling her to speak english. It was very disturbing for me because i couldn't talk to my course consultant properly.

In the end, i finally got things done, and so i left.

When i walked back to the canteen, everyone turned to stare. I guess its because of my appearance again.

I left campus to meet Bedah at Ikea for a late lunch. I got onto 855 and i was busy texting and answering calls, so i didnt take much notice of where the bus was going. When i finally looked up, like six bus-stops away, i realised that on my way to campus, i didnt see Ikea.

So i called Bedah to confirm, and yes, i was on the wrong bus.

I gave up on buses after that and cabbed to Ikea.

We ate at Ikea and i bought a bear for Jean. Jean's been feeling down these days, so i bought her something to cheer her up.

After Ikea i went to meet Jean at Plaza. We went for a snack, and i would say its a snack cos Jean didnt eat much. Did more shopping at Cotton On, because i needed clothes for school. Then we went into La Senza to check out bras and undies.

We went home around 11pm because i was mother tired.

UPDATE.

2009-04-16T14:42:00.002+08:00

I need to go back to work. All this bumming around is making me tired.

I went shopping with Neh on Tuesday. I couldnt sleep thus i went down to return my uniform to my ex-workplace. Then i got bored, so i called Neh.

Met up in Tamp to explore the new shopping mall. It was quite happening there, plenty of people. I nearly died because of the bloody load i was carrying, i had six ashtrays, twelve Patron shot glasses and my boots. My shoulder had red marks and my hands had no sensation at all.

I was dog tired.

But i couldnt sleep.

We shopped at Topshop where i bought a dress. A dress i tell you, its quite cute. All it needs is a belt.

Then we went to buy leggings, which i do not wear whatsoever. So i got fishnets instead. And because we had to wait for Neh's mom to transfer her money, we went for some food at Secret Recipe. The service was horrible, slow and all, but i can understand. But you cannot possibly want me to be understanding when you serve my friend a chipped glass?

And the chip in the glass was quite substantial, Neh says my eyesight is damn sharp.

I waved the server over and showed her the glass, she never even apologise or anything, she just took the glass away and replaced it.

Wow. Powerful "service".

Anyway, we just paid the bill and wrote a feedback card for them.

Oh, and i kept getting stares for all my tattoos, for the bigger pieces at least. It still amazes me that people can walk by you with their mouths wide open and not pay any attention to where they're going.

But i'm relatively used to it already.

We went to draw money and it was back to Topshop again, where we tried on like 2347597238 more clothes and Nehfell in love with like almost all the clothes.

So i told i'll put them all on my card first, then she can pay me back later.

Total bill was like $187 something, my card cannot go through lah. So the salesgirl swiped a $100 on it first to see if it'll go through, then the rest can pay by cash. We did just that and everything was okay.

We were both mother tired to the max so we sat down somewhere to have one last smoke before leaving, and thats when i saw Szemin and Bev, so four of us sat down and talked for awhile before leaving.

I was dog tired to the max and i knock out at midnight, and woke up only at 7am. =)

I'm back.

2009-04-14T08:36:00.004+08:00

I'm back, and its gonna be another mother of a rollercoaster ride.

I havent blogged here in a million years. Sadly, the only reason why i left this blog was because of the memories and pain that i've blogged about here.

So many things has happened since i last blogged here. The ~~many~~ few men that i had in my life, the quick period of time i was with Attica then to Harry's. My life hasn't failed in giving me heart attacks yet.

So to entertain you while i search for a new blogskin plus type (pompimpim lah deh!) a nice long entry with many many peektures, heres some old but very memorable reads.

Louise's Message to me.
Student Leadership days.
Letter to my ex-manager.
Saddest entry of my blog.

New offer.

2007-10-07T06:24:00.000+08:00

I dun think i'm going to wait for the PR offer anymore.

I dun even know why i bothered to wait in the first place. I am sucha naive bitch sometimes. I should have just bulid up my database then go into PR, it wouldnt be too late also. Sometimes, i think i'm waay past my own age.

Oh well, i think too much, bottom line.

I got an offer today. How it happened was quite interesting. I was walking back from break with Brant and Faz when i see this guy beckoning me over to his side, i thought he was signalling to Brant, so i looked away. Then i looked up again, he was pointing at me, calling me over.

What he said and what i answered is private. But he did offer me a position to lead his team. I dun have a problem with taking up his offer, but then again, i know nuts of the details also. So i think i have to find out before i make my decision.

Rah. Why is life so difficult to comprehend nowadays?

Happy Birthday Mel.

2007-10-02T02:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Mel,

I dun know if you'll ever read this, but i'm still gonna write it anyway. Its your second birthday since i've met you and we still havent done a celebration together. We both had alot of secrets with one another, with the one sided feelings i had for you that was never reciprocated and whatnot. Its okay, because i got over it a long time ago.

I still miss your smell to this day. The scent of CK Be whenever i'm out with you, or going for a spin in your dad's car. I cannot remember where we've been out together for a spin, but trying to recall gives me a warm feeling, as if my subconscious doesnt want to show me the memories but is assuring me that it was a meaningful one.

Although its a sad smile that appears, its still a smile nevertheless.

You ever told me that you'll dote on me the most, but that seems a tad bit difficult now, because i dun even know your location in the world. I've always loved the way you touched my hair, the way you entertained me and called me a bimbo because my general knowledge seems to melt away whenever i'm with you. You made me feel more loved than what i ever experienced in my whole lifetime. I was only eighteen then, young and reckless.

We both used to smoke like there was no tomorrow. Viceroy Menthol Lights Super was the only thing we both smoked. I dun know if you still smoke, but i've decided to quit because the men i've met after you all dun smoke at all.

Remember the time i went to Bangkok with my mother? I came back with a huge bag of stuff for you. You and the others ganged up and lied that you couldnt come and welcome me back. I was sad when i heard it, but i found out the loophole all the same. I missed your smell at that time, but i got to inhale a lungful when i gave you a big hug.

How about the time when the whole lot of us went to Cafe Cartel at Cine and ate a whole lot of bread? Subsequently, we went to the branch at PS and you took the whole loaf and put it on our table. And how about i would always whine and insist on you helping me to butter my slice of bread?

I thought of putting up photos, but i dun think that would be a very good idea. =)

And the time the group decided to go for steamboat at Marina, and you kept adding things to my plate, making sure i ate all the best there was. You knew i was afraid of prawns, so you kept them well away from me. You knew i was a picky eater, so you got stuff that you knew i'll eat, so that i didnt have to eat crabsticks at all. The amount of green tea the both of us drank, was all paid by you. You knew my every need and fears. You were my everything.

Now comes the sad part. I know you're still hung up over Kelly even though its been nearly a year. I never blamed you for choosing her over me, but still, i wished you had been more straightforward in telling me, rather then letting me find out for myself. You know i'm lucky and smart, there was no way i couldnt have found out. You broke my heart into a million pieces, but it made me a much stronger person in character when i learnt how to pick myself up.

Its been so long but i feel that we both are still awkward whenever we have a conversation, which is to say, scarce and really once in a blue moon. I wish the friendship between us didnt have to be like this, i wish that i can tell you this face to face now. But i dun think i can, because you have kept to yourself since Sept 3 2006. I only seen you once after that date, where i sat in stone cold silence whilst you finished your hotdog at Lucky Plaza. Everyone stared at me, glancing away whenever i caught their eye. Because they knew about you and Kelly's break up, and nobody wanted to be the one to tell me face to face.

I admit i cursed your relationship in anger, but i forgot all about it till i heard the news. I'm sorry for being such a possessive bitch, but i was only eighteen at that time.

I still cherish our friendship no matter what. I havent forgotten how much of a friend you were to me. Plus if you're worried that i'll have feelings again, that is super unlikely, because i've moved on already, and i wont go back to the same situation i was in ever again.

The one i call my older brother is still here in my heart. But still, i will never know if you'll read this. Maybe someday, we see each other again, when i'm happily married with kids. In fact, i'll name one of my boys after you. =) And you can be his godfather. That is if you want to.

I'll still be around. If fate decides it, we'll meet again.

P.S Happy 27th Mel.

Loves, Fiona.

National Day week.

2007-08-13T15:27:00.000+08:00

Its been one hell of a week.

The crazy eve of National Day which was on Wednesday. There wasnt really much of a slam, but i sold too many Moet Roses (roh-say). It was quite fun the whole time, taking photos and more photos. I think the photographer got scared of us. All of us took many many photos each, but not all got a copy of every one. I think i was the only one that got a copy of all the photos. HAHA.

It got boring after 1am so Brant and i amused ourselves with balloons. How? By inhaling the helium inside the balloon lah! Your voice will change, the off for some fun! I inhaled a whole balloon, and i went to Effen and asked him if he wanted to get it on with me tonight. He laugh until, i also started laughing.

Then i entertained Louie and Mandy with my helium voice, and Louie laughed like no tomorrow.
I started singing in my heilum-ed voice and it was fucking hilarious.

At times like these, anything is fun. =)

Feelings

2007-08-03T02:26:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt lost in any one part of your life?

When you feel as if you cannot find a reason to your feelings?

As if you lost that special part of you, that was meant to last an eternity?

Some time back, i started working in nightlife again. I got together with this bartender, Z, who at that point of time, was already married. I knew that he was married from the start, but i chose to take the risk.

We were supposed to go to Bali for a holiday, on the 6th of May. I paid for the tickets upfront. But we broke up on the 3rd. For what reason, i didnt even know at that point of time. I was on leave then, for the supposed holiday. I spent five days, awake and numb, walking around singapore, not knowing where was my actual destination. I didnt even know why i broke up with Z. All i felt was anger, because i didnt know what was going on. Apparently, he was trying to keep his wife from being suspicious.

I only know of the reason today.

He said to break up with me was pain in the first place. I felt the pain also, in a very bad way.

Yes, i said i moved on with someone else.

But i lied to make you feel my side of the pain.

But ultimately, i will never go back. Only because going back would never make a heart whole again.

Long lost

2007-07-31T02:06:00.000+08:00

Its been some time since i blogged here.

I stopped blogging her for awhile because i was having a hard time with people-who-decide-to-be-sensitive-after-reading-my-blog. Which was quite annoying really. I've been at Multiply for awhile already. So i'll be blogging there more often than here.

retrospectivesoul.multiply

Loves!

I refuse.

2007-06-04T17:12:00.000+08:00

I solemnly swear that i will never touch vodka again, esp Smirtoff.

I refuse to touch vodka and sambucca ever again.

I vow to stay by Macallan, Chivas, BL and never to waver from them. Famous Grouse is not counted, because i dun lke Famous Grouse.

Z had to send me home. I didnt even know what the fuck i was doing half the time. But i swear i couldnt throw up for nuts. But i do know my my puke felt lumpy, like it had apples in it. It must be the Smirtoff Green Apple.

I wont be blogging here anymore. Except for some special occasion. I'll be somewhere else. Not even livejournal. So yeah, loves to all. =)

Random entry.

2007-05-23T01:06:00.000+08:00

Life is still mundane.

I got more piercings. Re-pierced my right monroe and got the left one done. Initially i wanted my cheeks done, but VO doesnt have studs that are long enough!

I know my hair is abit Chao Ah Lian-ish. But its going for another change soon! Preferably red, cos Lauda aka Alan says red suits me. Fiery character, says my friend.

I hate to fall sick, because i dun like to stay at home. Momma just trot on a cockroach. How ick is that.

Which reminds me of that day when i went out for lunch with her. I had soft shell crab curry and i was about to take a bite when i realised that there was a eye looking at me from my spoon. My reaction was immediate drop spoon and run away. Now even when i think about it, its still gross. Best of all, upon closer inspection, it looked like a cockroach.

ICK.

DOUBLE ICK.

GROSS GROSS GROSS.

I was disgusted to the core please! Enough about cockroaches, i shouldnt be blogging about them anyway.

I did an event on Live to Dream some days back. It was a morning event, i was like the only one that was early/on time. It was quite a relaxed event, like all morning ones. Basically needed to make sure they had drinks and all.

The lot of us that did the event. Nice photo! I like!

Loner! HAHAH.

To William.

2007-05-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

Dear W,

I'm writing this here because i dun know how to tell it to you personally anymore. I havent been myself ever since you promoted me. I dun know why i'm unhappy nor do i understand how i'm feeling anymore. You dun have to apologise for not being able to help, because i never expected you to. Things are not going very well at the moment because of some issues.

Perhaps i've been affected since Specs left and since Mez went on MC.

I dun know. I transferred together with them, i expected them to be with me, in the same team. But obviously circumstances made situations different. But for almost two months, i felt alone. Trying to train new colleagues and then most of them leave just like that, you dun know how fucked up that is, for me to spend time and effort teaching them what i know and for them to take that knowledge and mia-ing. Its like i'm the hand that claps with air instead of another hand, you know?

I tried holding it all in, i really did. This blog was the only place i could talk about how i feel, but you guys tainted it with your comments and disapproval. So now, i can no longer blog about my day without having to worry about what you guys will say. I tried being the person you all want me to be. But i'm sorry, for not being the all perfect senior that i'm expected to be.

From the time i saw that disappointment in your eyes, i was afraid of making mistakes because i didnt want to disappoint you. But ultimately, i ended up making even more mistakes. I told you i wanted to resign, but the look you gave me showed that immediate disappointment in me. You asked if i had a better offer, i said no. Then you asked if i was not happy, i hesitated before telling you no. The reason why i choose to resign is because i dun want to disappoint you anymore.

I didnt want to bother you with my problems, because you were so busy with three outlets. I watched you walking in and out, to and fro forever on your comms set or phone. I felt that my problems were minior compared to the three outlets that you had to handle. Thus, i chose not to tell you.

But there were a couple of times that i did stop you to tell you that i needed to talk to you. You always said we'll talk later, but your later never came. I waited because i understood that you were busy. But still, nothing.

Perhaps the way i execute operations is different from others, but if it seems like i vent my frustrations/ anger on the rest of the team, then i'm sorry for it. But like i said, i've stopped fighting for captain a long time ago. I think its because of the second warning letter that i was given. True, its my fault that i overslept, but it isnt my fault that the roster showed me 10pm and i get fucked because i was "supposed" to work at 8pm instead. I dun see Mez getting a warning letter because he mis-read his roster on the Barclays event day. Then again, i dun really give a damn whether he gets a warning letter or not, its not my problem.

I dun have any right to talk anymore. Everytime i say something, its mostly wrong and never correct. I'm tired of arguing my point, or even fighting for anything anymore. I've lost my faith, and its going to take awhile to get it back. If you can wait, then i'll stay. If you cant, then i'll leave. Its as simple as that. I'm not pushing you to your limits nor am i threatening you with anything. Its beyond that stage already.

I just dun want to disappoint you anymore, bottom line.

Loves,
Fiona (your ex-superstar)

Fuck Fbar.

2007-04-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

Perhaps its really time to leave.

I dun know why, but somehow i dun feel like bothering myself with any of Fbar's shit anymore. Even i dun know why i have such fucked up thoughts. Maybe its like what A says i am, i'm fucked up and slacking.

But still, i dun think i give a shit. And i dun know why.

Perhaps i stopped fighting for Captain a long time ago. Perhaps i gave up on myself. I wont and will never know.

R says he's sad with my actions, just because i enquired who did this particular duty on the day i was off. I supposed he got scolded, and i feel that he's taking it out on me, just because he got scolded and i didnt. I felt like telling him to fuck off, because its not as if i didnt get any scoldings when i did something wrong. Isnt it supposed to be fair? Then again, life isnt fair.

Who the hell cares about the team? Oh wait, team? MY FOOT.

Nobody gives a shit.

Maybe Pam, because she asked me not to tender.

R can have Captain for all i care. Why would i want a post that pays me less than a hundred more, that comes with alot more shit to do? I would rather not.

Yes, i may be disappointing somebody who ~~thinks~~ thought i'm a superstar. But not anymore, this superstar is burnt out. I tired of working like a cow for that meagre sum of money thats not even enough for me to live on. Why must i make myself suffer? As if working like a cow is not enough but with pay delays, irregular dinner breaks (like at 2am please) and other fucked up shit. I've had enough, no more being nice.

I bite back now.

My life is so fucked up that i dun even have life anymore, whether i'm working or not, its still down to the workplace, returning my pay to the company by spending it on drinks. I dun even know why i'm doing this, i really dun.

Memory's failing me, i get confused suddenly and i make mistakes. Then i get fucked because i made a mistake. It feels as if i'm a robot already, not allowed to do anything i think its right, but to follow another person's permission and i'm supposed to understand.

Fuck understanding, i dun want to understand anymore. For what fuck i understand?

Maybe i should stay on awhile to help with his third outlet. I used to be, after all, trained in fine dining.

My life sucks, level of tolerance is waning.

Frenching competition.

2007-04-13T05:48:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe you did that Clara!

You slut you.

HAHAH!

But it was fun!

Alex left me near 12am, so that he could go home and prepare himself to go into NDU. And i cried, right after he left, because i would miss him so very much.

Boo!

Alex and Pam's last day.

2007-04-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

Today, i lost two very valuable colleagues. One of which, was the best part-timer i ever had to opportunity to work with. Another was my ex-Floor Captain, who turned part-timer because of school.

Alex appeared in Kandi Bar on the two days that i was off work. I came back on his third day to meet him for the first time. I must admit that i never really thought much about him, because he wasnt attached to me and that i wasnt working in the same section as he was. But on his thitd day, both of us, plus afew others got transferred to Fbar.

It was in Fbar that i realised how much i can depend on him. The small things that i requested for him to help me with was done efficiently and without a complaint.

I still remember the time where M (this super weird but rich customer) came to Fbar and demanded for two bottles of Moet Rose. Since he ordered two bottles and i only had a pair of hands to open one at a time, i sought Alex's help in opening them.

The thing that i didnt anticipate was, that Alex wasnt that apt at opening champange bottles at that point of time. Of course, by now he is some sort of a professional at opening champange bottles. His unsureness (which leads to his confused expression, which is so bunny-like really) led to his being scolded by the guest, saying that he was "stupid because he didnt know how to open champange". It was situations like these that made him one powerful floor staff today.

On the other hand, he is the biggest sarcastic bitch alive.

I swear to the heavens above, he gets on my nerves sometimes, with the sarcasm that he provides. But still, i love him all the same, because he's Alex, the one and only.

Thanks for the four months of fun, Alex. Thanks for being there when i needed someone to talk to, although you always "sian" girls. HAHAH.

Pam appeared in the beginning of this year as my Floor Captain. We had our differences, but it was all worked out in the end and she's a good friend of mine. She kept me very alert because i am after all, a person who doesnt want to lose to competition. She made me learn how to be meticulous and less stressed (because she's my FC, i didnt have to worry about the floor that much anymore). The events that we worked together with and the bloody four hours break that we had to go through, the Macallan session, my birthday Waterfall and many other little incidents that i will never forget.

Because she's one insane person. I swear to God. She pokes my boobs and shoves her pen(s) down my butt crack for the fun of it, plus calling it her "Pen Test" make each working day with her interesting, not that i really enjoyed her shoving pens into my butt and poking my boobs with them. But still, she's part of my team.

For all the times that you were caught in the middle because of me, thanks Pam, for everything that you've done.

Team Fbar. (Without Wendy ( on leave) and Jean (not allowed to come back))

His scared bunny look, because he's about to die.

He got his favourite, Macallan soda.

The two look-alikes who are about to die a horrible death. HAHA.

Presents first! Neon green g-string from all of us and Nike cap from Pam.

William wanted a photo with Alex.

William with the two pre-tekan-ed people.

William was annoyed with the many straws.

Time to die!

At this point, there was a video taken, but my blog is a bitch, so i cant upload it here. The link will be provided at the end of the entry. =)

After drinking the double Waterfall with two 151 shots, they became like that.

Then it was time to have more fun!

This is what Raymus likes to do to Alex.

A very high Pam.

Will you look at this classic photo? Clara is so nonchalant please. I dun think i need to say more for Alex's case.

Then came the attack!

I was holding the whipped creme and laughing my ass off.

Raymus grabbed the can of whipped creme and proceeds to continue tekan-ing Alex.

See! Can you believe Raymus please! Never give chance!

The bar prepared two jugs of liquid to be poured over Alex and Pam, it was a concoction of leftover beer, cranberry juice, cherries, ciggarette butts and i-dun-know-what-else. Then topped off with some major whipped creme to the face. From the photos, you can tell it was one hell of a last day celebration.

Alex went home as a very drunk man. He slept in the toilet till 9am, his whole body and head was aching and he was moaning away. The bomb was that his mom thought he was having an orgasm. Its fucking funny. But i guess everyone will kena the same treatment when they announce their last day.

I wonder if i announce my last day, will i die a horrible death?

Click here for the video. =)

I swear.

2007-04-08T07:03:00.000+08:00

I swear i'll fucking blog about whatever thats going on by tonight.

Provided that i get back home before midnight. =)

[/edit]

I slept like a pig and i didnt even go out. What a waste of my off day. Anyway, my chalet was one boring shit. There was nothing to do and nothing was planned for us to do. It was boring shit and i so wanted to shoot myself. If only i brought EC along.

Anyway, do not ever drink one whole or most of one bottle of black label to yourself because you will end up getting bruises that you dun know how in the world they came about.

Like these.

Fyi, the bruises have faded by alot since i got them because i had no time to take photos of them. They were a delicious purple when i got them, which hurt like a bitch whenever i brushed against them.

So please take my advice and not do anything stupid with premium whiskey. Especially if it involves playing blackjack and other stupid stunts.

I went back on Day two in early evening because there was nothing to do.

So i went clubbing with Clara at night! We went to somewhere and Narene and Neh joined us later. Narene is so cute please.

I got bloody high after like alot of drinks and then it was to Zouk. Velvet was fucking boring, esp when you're high. So we went to Phuture and i got elbowed because these two idiots were fighting right in front of me. Fuck them lah. Stupid cheebyes who dun know how to enjoy.

We left at 430am and it was home sweet home for us.

No more piercings.

2007-04-05T19:08:00.001+08:00

I took out all my mouth piercings.

Bit of Chalet.

2007-04-05T05:09:00.000+08:00

Chalet.

Fell in the bathroom.

Fell off the chairs.

Fell and rolled down the stairs.

Enough bruises and bumps already!

Irritance

2007-04-03T05:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wished i was invisible.

I hate being scrutinized. I hate it. Thus, i hate people in general.

I wish i didnt have to be who i am.

GO AWAY PEOPLE.

Stay out of my blog

2007-03-29T18:57:00.000+08:00

I dun know why some people just choose to insult my personal life.

Firstly, these people actually check out my Friendster and read my blog entries. I am super appalled at the fact that i'm being told to not do this or that with MY OWN BLOODY FRIENDSTER AND BLOG.

I do whatever i please. None of you can stop me even.

The bomb comes when i find out that i have a Publicity Officer that i never knew about. IT goes around telling my other colleagues and God-knows-who-else to read my blog and check out my Friendster!

I think that is so not cool. For what flying fuck are you going around and telling others to read my blog? GET YOUR OWN BLOODY BLOG AND PUBLICIZE IT.

STOP PUBLICIZING MY BLOG AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY.

I hate it when people stick there long noses into my personal affairs. Its like telling me that you have a wonderful life and i suck because i dun.

Stay out of my affairs. The last time somebody tried to make changes to my blog, the person ended up not feeling very good about themselves.

Clara's car

2007-03-26T02:26:00.001+08:00

Clara's car broke down the other day!

I must rmb to blog about this soon!

YLDP recalls.

2007-03-23T06:16:00.000+08:00

I read Louise's blog. She blogged about YLDP and all of a sudden, i miss being a Student Leader.

First of all, you'll prolly scoff and ~~delude~~ tell yourself that Fiona was never a Student Leader. But its pure fact that i graduated with a Vice-head Prefect position in my certificate. I am so not lying. I utterly refuse to put up my chachat photo of me wearing a blazer, because i was a fucking fat round tub of..oh never mind.

Anyway, when i first transferred to Northland in 2003, i had the worst first week in school. Its like having to make friends all over again made it all the more sufferable for me. I hated my decision to accept my transfer to another school, but then again, i had no choice since i was expelled in early 2003.

You can never imagine the emotional trauma i went through during my first week of school. Being new and all that, i had to learn how to make friends all over again. Worst of all, i had never been to a mixed gender school, because i spent eight years in single sex schools and i was pretty much comfortable with my gender.

Then came the comments. "Go back to your lesbian school lah!" "You dun belong here! Get lost!". All these i took in my stride, looking away whenever these comments were thrown at me, just wishing that i didnt have to take such shit. Being the violent person that i am, i could have gotten into so many fights because of the things they said. But oh well, i dun even know why i didnt react.

I settled down and within ten weeks, i became a Student Leader. Its funny how i was the most infamous person in Sac and a Student Leader in Northland. Even i dun know how it happened.

Then in six months i became the Co-Chairman of Student Council. I mean, LOOK AT ME. I was the Co-Chairman of the STUDENT COUNCIL?! How the hell?! Still, i was voted by the people to be their in-charge. I took it without a complaint. But there were too many fucked up politics that i cannot figure out to this day. It was too much for me, waay too much for anyone.

Then suddenly at the end of 2004, the system changed and i became the Vice-Chairman of the Student Council, in-charge of all four Sport House. Boy oh boy! Having to lead the four different House Leaders was hell! Its like having four kids that dun listen to your instructions! In secret, i hated my jobscope and the people that came with it. Its like, you happy you talk to me. You not happy you attitude me.

CHAO CHEE TOOT.

Its not like its my fault that i have to manage you monkies okay?!

Anyway, still i had alot of fun being one of the most important in the Council. I mean, come on, i was the Vice-Chairman after all. Then we moved on, to become N/O level students and suddenly we had to oversee the events that the juniors were running. Its super comical to hear them calling one another when they know of any Council members that were going to be at a certain event. I've ever overheard a junior calling another junior who was at the event venue, telling he/she that i was going to be at the event venue in the next half an hour. Its like they care, ALOT. As in care if any of the Council members are coming down, because they would for sure get fucked immediately if we spot any mistakes.

I miss the debriefs where we could ~~scream~~ use profanities at the event organisers on every mistake that they made. I never said that during my time, we were perfect. But we sure didnt do mistakes like theirs!

But now, its over. Its been over since 2005. Once us old birds stepped down and the new council was appointed, it was all over. No more fights, no more tears, no more spewing of vulgarities at one another. Everyone split up and it was every man for himself. We all drifted apart and EBians were with EBians etc and it was like an immediate effect right after we stepped down.

Life went on.

The council members in Express took their Os and the rest took Ns. It was a different pathway already.

I hated it the most when i went back to Sec5 in 2006 to hear things like, "You are a Student Leader, you should do this and that."

LIKE, FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF PLEASE!

I spent most of my school year in 2006 drifting in and out of school. It was because i hated school and i didnt have alot of friends left, plus a different class altogether.

Then i had to deal with losing Louise and idunknow who else. Everything started to melt and stick together in my face. I hated it. I hated not being able to be in control of my future.

But oh well, its all over. I just miss Mdm Ho's classes where i was the bloody CHINESE REP and i spoke English most of the time. HAHA.

By the way, i'm single again!

Joke.

2007-03-19T04:28:00.000+08:00

Haha. I'm a joke.

Underage party at Clinic

2007-03-12T05:49:00.000+08:00

I met up with Eve and went down to Clarke Quay. As usual, the rat is always hungry, so we had to find food before we headed down to Clarke Quay.

Once we got there, it was to Kandi bar first because we saw Apai and Paladin. Then we decided to head to Fashion for drinks and i got my usual second favourite, burbon coke. I made everyone take a photo with me, with the exception of Santos because he's a pain in the ass.

Marcus, the super adorable angkongsiao Dj.

Selva is mad!

Evie and i.

Raymus and his poses.

Selva looks like he's getting an orgasm touching Santos.

Santos and Selva. The two crazy people in the bar.

Wendy, my Supervisor. She is the first female Supervisor in Cannery.

They camwhored with my camera and i only found out when i got home. Tsk.

Bedah and Cyn with their "vodka" shots.

Cyn and Bedah got so OWNED at Fashion. See, Santos was playing with a empty bottle of Vladivar vodka, where bartenders usually put water in it and practice freepouring. He took three shot glasses and presumingly poured "vodka" shots for Cyn and Bedah. Eve and i knew that it was just tap water, but Bedah and Cyn didnt. So they were going like, "Eh! TAH AH!"

And they drank the "vodka" shot only to find out that it was water. It was fucking cheebye funny! I laughed like mad and said that they were OWNED by Fashion. Their faces was a fucking classic please.

After drinks, we headed over to Clinic to check out the underaged crowd. The amount of Bengs and Cosplay people were enough to swim in. I decided not to take any photos of them, because i was too bothered by the annoying smell that was coming from the crowd. So Eve and i waved our passes and went upstairs.

The view from Balcony @ Clinic. Just look at the infestation!

View from the main floor @ Clinic.

So Eve and i went back down and joined the smelly crowd on the main area with Doriee, Bedah and Cyn. All of us gravated to the music and had alot of fun while sweating like pigs in a hot summer day. It was horrendeous, i tell you

So we all went out for a smoke and came back in to take photos with people!

Chris aka Lang Zai (pretty boy). He calls me Lang Lui (pretty girl).

I found this soft surgery like table and i hopped on and took pictures!

Okay, its official. I am insane.

Kenni, Manager of Clinic. He also another insane person with his nonsense.

It was fun at Clinic, but too bad about the smell. I really wanted to die. Even when i met Effen and told him about the smell, he didnt believe me and i had to ask him to smell it himself. After that, he walked around Clinic holding his nose. He's super cute, i forgot to take his photo, so thus no pictures of him. =( The smell was so bad that it felt like everyone was sent to run 6rounds around the Padang for Physical Ed and went clubbing after that. Do they not know deoderant?

James, the ever hot and sexy club Supervisor who wants me to lose 16kg before he courts me. Like very funny James. But you're hot all the same.

We left Clinic around 3am. Bedah and Cyn went home, whilst the rest of my Fashion staff, Eve and Doriee joined up and went to drink at one of our secret spots. Then we made plans for tmr and we all left for home.

This was one off day well spent.

Everything sucks

2007-03-09T05:54:00.000+08:00

I've never been this down my whole life. Even with a high paying job and a boyfriend.

Everything just seems to suck.

Insane things i do when i'm half drunk.

2007-03-05T09:23:00.000+08:00

Okay, let me try and recall what i did yesterday.

First, i went to sleep. I'm serious, i did! Then James called me at 1pm and told me that he just woke up, and i'm like "walau eh, dun need to go CDM already." because i just woke up too. Then he said he'll call me back, and while i was waiting, i fell asleep. I was jolted awake by his second call, which we spent talking about his phobia of snakes and Clinic's gay night.

Then he had to go and eat, the pig.

So i went to meet Xia and Sheila at town, where we did some major catching up with insane talking and and story-telling. Then we bus-ed/ NEL-ed down to Cannery and ended up at Clinic. I had to drink most of the whiskey coke that i bought, because Xia and Sheila didnt tell me that they dun like whiskey. I was alil high after all the whiskey then i met Michelle.

Michelle told me Zen was in Clinic and asked me to follow her, which i did. Oh boy, bad thing to do. I met Jeff upstairs and i got a 151 shot immediately, plus he did his cheebye thing of putting tobasco in it again. I helped Michelle to drink hers also, since i was a quarter gone already. Zen gave me vodka redbull and i drank it without thinking plus i hate vodka and redbull. Then i think i went mad after that because i somewhat remember that i grinded Chris while he was working.

Debbie and Angel were at Clinic also, so we all gathered at the bar and danced.

Then i think i went down, and met Zen, who asked me to go to St James. Michelle made me sit onto the sofa because i was insane and W walked past and saw me.

I went, "OH SHIT."

He stopped and walked back to where i was and stared at me. My vision wasnt that powerful at that moment and i actually asked Michelle if that person was W. Plus, he heard it.

Like WOW fiona, you did it.

Then i said, "Dun worry W! I'll be at work tmr! I'll be there at 4pm!" And he said, "You better be man."

I remembered okay. Oh, and then Zen and Michelle were pulling me to go to St James, but i said i had to say bye to James. So we went to look for him and i think i kissed him or something. Plus i met Jeremy inside and i think i kissed him also.

FUCK, i AM INSANE.

So off it was to St James. As it was Ladies Night, all of us got in for free. Then i had to sit down, because i was fucking insanely high. Plus, i had a vodka cranberry in my hand, which i have no flying idea how it got there, but i remember the taste.

We went to get LP in and then i had to go out and get Adam. I dun know how Adam knows i was there, but he came all the same. But Dragonfly was being the cheebye because they didnt let him in due to the age limit. Ah, fuck them lah. So Adam, Michelle, LP and i ended up smoking outside, then i met the HK tycoon that i served the other day, plus apparently he remembers me.

His boys tried getting Adam in, but the bouncers didnt allow it.

So too bad.

I somehow got to the bar and got myself my favourite burbon coke. I finished it and then we left. Adam had to support me because my legs refused to cooperate. We all got into a cab and went to Newton for supper.

OMG, i just found a water blister on my middle finger. What the flying fuck please. Who burnt me with their cig?

We ate and i think i did some insane shit while i was there. Prolly the whole of Newton knows me now. Shit, what the fuck did i do?

Then i cannot remember what happened, but i woke up in the cab, lying on Adam's shoulder. Fuck lah Adam, i remember your smell now! I became sober and we stopped at the MRT station. Then spent another 15mins talking to Adam about nightlife, then he had to go. So i went home.

I'm one insane bitch, i swear.

First warning letter.

2007-03-03T04:38:00.000+08:00

I got my first warning letter on the 1st of this month. Sure, it sucks. But i had no choice but to sign it. Sometimes, i have fucked up thoughts, like why should we be given warning letters? Its like, we work all the way till 5am and what if the transport has complications? Then that would shorten our sleeping time, wouldnt it?

Lets say, i worked till 5am today and transport comes at 530am. We are all waiting for transport when we received the information that the transport is late. So what the fuck can we do? Wait lah, no choice.

I've ever waited till 730am for North transport and i had to work the next day at 5pm.

The day only has 24hours. Thats not alot of time. If i come in early, i dun see any praisal. But if i'm late, then i'm liable to receive warning letters and telling offs. I come on time, i also get naggings. I seriously dun know what am i supposed to do. Do i come on time? Or early? Or what?

I come early i dun get anything, i come on time i get nagged, i come late i get warning letter.

All also not very good options what.

Anyway, i signed the letter already. To me, i know that W has given me alot of chances when i was late. So, its only fair that i get a warning letter this time.

The warning letter comes with consequences. One letter is equivilant to no promotion for the next three months. But its okay, i just got promoted. Once the three months is up, i think i would have fought hard enough for another promotion.

My life sucks, bottomline.

Movie with Management

2007-02-27T04:23:00.000+08:00

Its fucking cheebye cold out there.

So i headed down to Fashion for a meeting (that i called for) with Wendy. I spoke to her about my annoyance and she's going to do something about it. So lets just wait and see.

I met James while on the way to Fashion, and he told me that they (William, Keen, Vicki and him) were all going to watch a movie at Cathay. So i told him that i'll decide later (which obviously i will go) and that i had a meeting. William helped me book my ticket online and it was the green light. So yay.

We watched Letters from Iwo Jima. Its one fucked up movie please. I got nauseous halfway through the movie because the cameraman practically threw his camera around the scenes. It made me nauseous and i so do not like the feeling. I seriously still feel like vomitting now.

The movie was long and draggy and i dun know what else. Stupid show.

I is still feeling the vomitting sensation. Do not provoke me to throw up over you.

James says i'm fat. If i'm fat then he's black. No pun intended.

CDM with William and the rest.

2007-02-26T18:26:00.000+08:00

Work has been a drag recently. It feels as if i've lost the passion for everything. Everything is getting on my nerves.

Sick, quarrels, disagreements.

The three things that make me annoyed. I've really had enough. This time round, i really want to transfer no matter what. Zee's leaving, so why should i still bother about anything anymore? Perhaps part of the reason why i'm staying on as a server is because of him. But now, i dun think i really need to any longer.

I know W dotes on me alot. I can sense it. But maybe its time to let go.

On a brighter note, James asked me to CDM on Sunday. I agreed. But after work i didnt go home straight away. I joined Eve and Lp at Mac whilst we waited for the rest to appear. Apple, Woodblock and Michelle appeared soon after and we all left to cab to Cine.

We ate at HongKong Cafe. The food there wasnt the best i've had, but oh well, its still a eatery. We all finished our food, except for Apple and Michelle. Then Apple found something in her food. It was a *piece of metal scourer, the kind you use to wash dishes in the sink aka DIRTY DISHES.

(* note that it wasnt a FULL WHOLE metal scourer. But a piece of the metal thing.)

I was horrified to the max.

Apple called the server over and he was too stunned to do anything. So he got it from me, when i asked him what was he waiting for and to get his manager over. Then his manager came over, and got hell from me because of no food quality control. Then he offered to change the dish for Apple but she seemed really turned off by the food already, so she declined. He took the dish and walked away, without even apologising for anything.

I got even more annoyed.

He went into the kitchen while the rest of us gave our opinion on the issue. Then i couldnt stand it anymore and i yelled at nobody in particular, saying "So are we all supposed to wait for your apology?!"

He came back and apologised, then he re-offered to replace Apple's dish. But Apple still didnt want it, so we called for the bill, paid and left.

I reached home and showered then i left for Cafe Del Mar. You have no idea how long i waited for a damn cab please. By the time i reached CDM, it was twelve in the afternoon. I was one tired person please. But still, i had fun watching W and K having fun.

W, K and James decided to go swimming. So Vicki and i had to carry all their stuff.

Then W fell asleep on the bed and Kenny couldnt wake him up. So Kenny disappeared while James flared. It was down to Vicki and i, talking away. Naddie was attached there as a cashier also.

I finally went to bathe and when i came out, everyone asked me where i was going because of what i wore.

We wanted to go sit this Sky ride, but too bad it was closed. So we went over to the taxi stand and sat the Maxi cab! K asked me to help massage his shoulders and he asked W if he got give me bonus or not. I laughed.

We went to Cine to check out the movie times and then we walked over to PS to eat Aijisen. The Supervisor or Manager was fucking annoying to the max. Everyone was fucking hungry and dead tired, but yet she kept telling us about the green tea being changed to what price and i dun know what else. W just stared at her while K rested his head onto the table, V was on the phone and i dun know what was James doing.

She rattled on and on and i just told her to do what she wanted to the price and add all she wants.

Then she went away.

It was peace at last. But the way they greet their customers was fucking annoying and James kept getting goosebumps. And James eats like a horse. But i dun really care anyway.

We went to watch Protege at Cathay and i met Denise Ong and Karen. I was watching the show halfway and i fell asleep which was fucking retarded. We left Cathay at midnight and i cabbed home first. =)

Okay, now i have to get my ass to Clarke Quay. Okay bye.

Flip.

2007-02-22T08:05:00.000+08:00

Love dun let me go.

Sigh.

Everyday its problems and more problems that i have to solve. I dun even know why the living fuck i bother to solve them problems. Sometimes i wish i was the undead.

Plus, i want to transfer over to PR. But, i think W will flip.

Like seriously flip.